The truth of trying to conceive after loss

Is it positive?

It’s been eight months since my last post on Freddie’s First Birthday Memorial Event and a lot has happened in this short time. The biggest most exciting and scary thing is what I will be blogging about in the future, but first I must explain a few things in this blog post.

In April 2014, my husband and I decided that we would like to start trying for a sibling to our son Freddie who was stillborn in August 2013. We weren’t 100% sure how long it would take or how we were going to cope when/if we got a positive pregnancy result, but we knew that however much we were still grieving for our son, this would never change. We could be grieving all our life so there was no point waiting for it to be okay one day.

The fact that we were both ready was the most important thing. If I am being honest I would have starting trying again the day I walked out the hospital with a memory box in my arms instead of my son, but I respected my husband’s need to wait and in hindsight realise that I had needed time to grieve my loss and make memories for my darling Freddie.

We were aware that we conceived Freddie the first month we tried but knew that it may not happen this quickly again. As each month passed and another negative pregnancy test result was thrown in the bathroom bin, I started to wonder if we were doing the right thing. I’m not talking about where ‘it’ goes but were our bodies telling us we weren’t ready.

In August, the month of Freddie’s anniversary, we prayed that he would show us a sign and we would be honoured with news of his sibling but what we experienced was confusion and worry. At the time I was expecting my period I started bleeding but it felt different to normal and lasted two weeks. By this point I was a bit concerned about what was happening and got checked out, but the bleeding had stopped. I was obviously worried that this was very out of my normal routine (I’ve been tracking my cycle for years) and a part of me thought that either I had experienced a very early miscarriage or that maybe it was my body remembering a year ago when my cycle returned after Freddie’s birth. We will never know but we picked ourselves up and said we would keep trying.

However the next month Rik was diagnosed with a hip/groin hernia and needed an operation to sort it out. This put a hold on our plans for about a month and a half whilst he recovered. My biggest concern was obviously making sure my husband was resting and recovering well but I would be lying if I said that a part of me wasn’t counting down the time thinking it was a lost opportunity. I appreciate that might sound harsh but it’s the truth. We turned our baby making down a gear for the first month or two after his recuperation but it was spirit lifting to know that again we may have a chance.

As the end of the year approached I couldn’t help but count down the months left that we had to conceive in 2014. I know this probably wasn’t helping our situation but I couldn’t help it. I appreciate some people try for years and some can’t conceive naturally at all and don’t want to sound like I don’t, but when you have been so close, so very very close to bringing up a baby and then get it taken away from you, each month feels like a year.

With a new year I decided to have a different approach. I was in the mind frame that I was leaving the baggage from 2014 behind and starting again. In my mind I had a whole 12 months to get pregnant after all! I was determined to just relax about it all. I went through the things we bought in preparation for Freddie and decided to sell a few bits that I didn’t feel we needed to keep.

I also started being more open about that fact that we had been trying. I talked to my mother and told her how hard the months trying had been and she finally opened up about how she had been worried that losing Freddie had put us off trying again. I told her about how frustrating it had been hearing comments from people that we should just ‘get on with it’ when we were but didn’t feel it was anyone’s business.

I hoped that the more I opened up and was honest with myself and others, the less stress I was putting on myself. Rik supported me with whatever I wanted to do and whenever I wanted to do it. We had just wanted some time to ourselves to try and see what happened but were now both ready to gain support and advice. We also decided that we would do Dry January when you abstain from drinking alcohol for the month of January. We do it every year but I had heard some people say that they decided to not drink any alcohol and then fell pregnant so thought it could help. I had been receiving monthly reflexology treatments too up to the end of 2014 which I thought would help me relax.

The end of January and Dry January was nearing and we decided to plan a fun night out at the end of it to enjoy some good food and wine. I took a pregnancy test a few days before my cycle was due to start and it was negative. I then had some spotting over the next few days and thought it was my cycle starting, however it didn’t feel quite like normal so I took another test on the morning of our planned meal. I was now a few days late and it was negative again. So we went out and I enjoyed letting my hair down and enjoyed several glasses of wine. We had a great night.

Over the next day or so I was waiting for my cycle to really get going but it had stopped. I didn’t think I needed to take another test but as each day passed I became more confused. I hated my cycle for teasing me this way and playing with my mind. Just when I was getting used to it being another unsuccessful month, this happens and I am back to thinking ‘what if?’.

So we had some cheap pregnancy test strips in the cupboard and I did a test with one of these. Rik wasn’t home from work yet and as I looked at it, the more I could see a faint second line. It was really faint though so when Rik got home he honestly thought it was negative but I had read somewhere that even if it is faint, it could be a positive. I kept staring at it and tried to convince myself that I was just seeing things so as to not get my hopes up. I had even read that if you take a picture of a test and make it black or white or negative that it is easier to gauge so I tried everything.

Now even more confused I dug out a digital pregnancy test that I was saving for this type of situation and did the necessary. I placed the test on a bookshelf dedicated to Freddie and in front of his picture and in my mind thought he is now in charge of our fate. I kept myself busy for those pain stacking few minutes and as I glanced at the test, the result popped up in front of my eyes ‘Pregnant 1-2 weeks’. I couldn’t believe it. No really I couldn’t. I knew what I was seeing and what it meant but my head was still in ‘i’m not pregnant this month’ mode.

Instead of the shocked, joyful and exciting feelings Freddie’s result brought, this one was met with shock but also with numbness and disbelief. I told Rik the news and I think he just carried on as normal like I had just told him I was going out to the shops or something. It took a while to sink in but over the next few hours the numbness slowly disappeared and the true reality of the situation hit us…WE WERE EXPECTING ANOTHER BABY!

With this came many happy feelings but also many fears as you can imagine. We were delighted as this was the first day of our lives as parents of two children, but this was also the first day of nine months, and more, of worry and so many questions including…

If we allow ourselves to be happy and hope, are we setting ourselves up to have our hearts broken again?