Day 29 of Capture Your Grief (in memory of Freddie Leigh Bromley) and the subject title today is ‘Healing‘.
It is still very early days in the grief process for our family with it being just 74 days since Freddie was born sleeping. Since then it has been a healing ride of highs and lows. I kept a short diary of the events for the first week and when I look back at it now, I can’t believe how strong we were being and that we were meeting with the funeral director just four days after Freddie’s passing.
It has been a rocky few months to say the least with additional worries for my health, family members’ health, job security and financial situation. If I am being honest I don’t quite know how we got through the first month or so, but we have and we are getting stronger each day. The words I keep hearing myself repeat our “we are taking it one day at a time” and this is so very true. One day could be a strong day and then the next your defenses are down, you feel raw and it’s a weak day.
Healing is a long process and I honestly think I will partly still be healing until the day I die. I will never get over the loss of my son as part of my heart is with him. As time goes by the pain eases but you can be sent back off to a sad place in an instant. So far my healing has consisted of many different things. Mainly the love shown from my husband, family and friends. It’s amazing to see which friends and family members come to your side during a difficult time. I can see friendships already changing, some growing stronger and some fading. I know I will make new friendships and develop stronger friendships out of this process.
The support that has been shown for us is amazing. People I don’t even know hearing about our story from a friend, or family member, and going out of their way to contact us to say they are thinking of us. Past friends and people I have only met a few times, but feel closer to me because of this, contacting us and offering their support and thoughts.
Being able to share our news and experiences with people via social media has been very helpful. It is an instant way of informing, updating and keeping in touch with people from afar. At the start I was very raw and found it difficult to speak to people. Rik would field the calls for me to save me the pressure. I couldn’t talk, my voice had gone. I was choosy about who I could speak to and who I couldn’t. I was able to email people and contact them from behind the security of my computer but I didn’t have the energy or drive to talk over the phone. Face to face was easier but it had to be on my terms. As time passes and I am thrown into ‘normal’ life it has become a lot easier as I have become stronger.
I take pride in the fact that we are helping heal others by our strength. Many people have been in touch to let me know how reading this blog has helped them so that alone has encouraged me to continue with the challenge. It came at a perfect time really. It has been quite consuming so I am looking forward to not having the pressure of writing each day but when I feel like it. I know it has helped me progress in my grieving far quicker than I would without taking part.
I feel the biggest healer will be to one day in the future have a brother or sister for Freddie who we can share his story with. Having had all our results back yesterday the process won’t be a relaxed or easy one but knowing the outcome could bring so much beauty into our lives will be worth it. We will never replace our dear Freddie and will always be thinking of how he fought so hard to meet us, but it would be sad to let fear be an excuse to give up on being a family one day.
I know my heart will never heal fully but I am becoming a stronger, tougher, more loving and more caring wife, sister, daughter, friend and person. So thank you Freddie for teaching me how to be stronger by your strength and making me a better me.