Day 7: You Now (Capture Your Grief 2013)

You Now
You Now

Day seven of Capture Your Grief (in memory of Freddie Leigh Bromley) and the subject title today is ‘You Now‘.

This subject title was a bit of a tough one as I didn’t know whether the image should represent me now or what I think of as Freddie now.  My husband and I agreed that it should be an image of both of us post Freddie’s passing.  We don’t have many pictures of us together since then except at Freddie’s funeral and this picture from a friend’s wedding three weeks after he passed.

Attending the wedding was difficult as it was our first public event but we wouldn’t have missed it so we put our brave faces on and enjoyed the day.  The ceremony was beautiful and really touching. The words spoken about marriage by the vicar and the speakers seemed so poignant.  The words that particularly stood out for me were within the marriage vows:

“To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.”

Rik and I married five years ago and I would say we are now the closest we have even been.  We were inseparable for at least a week after we lost Freddie.  On the night I gave birth we didn’t sleep very well and although we were in separate hospital beds pushed together, whenever we were awake we held hands and often gave each other a reassuring squeeze of the hand.  When something so devastating as the loss of a child happens to a couple the strength of their marriage will be tested.  Rik and I have pulled together and clung on to each other through the ‘worse’ and now hope for our ‘better’.

I also felt these words were so relevant to the commitment I made to Freddie and how I held him in my womb in health and then sickness until death parted us.  But all three of us will never be apart.  You just have to look into our eyes in this picture to see a mixture of sadness, happiness, love, honour and pride that we were feeling on that day.

All these emotions became too much for me during the service when the most beautiful song was sung by a local choir.  I sobbed as I let the emotions of the beautiful music take over me. It was lovely to really ‘feel’ the music and is a memory I will cherish forever. Don’t worry I did stop sobbing eventually but my husband was a bit worried that he would have to remove me from the church at one point.

This picture reminds me of all the emotions we felt on that day and also makes me chuckle.  At the wedding reception a Polaroid camera was provided so that guests could take a picture of themselves and hang it on a tree.  Rik and I took our photo, signed it and hung it up on the tree like everyone else but we were then a bit cheeky and took another one so we could keep it as a memory of the day.  I remember feeling naughty and giggling as we took it and then hid it in Rik’s dinner jacket.

The photo has now been placed in this frame by my bed.  I have had the frame empty for over five years as I had never found the right picture to put in it until now.

Every time I look at it I will remember the day Freddie’s parents were extremely brave and learnt to really understand the meaning of ‘to have and to hold’.

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